Swimming

Do you remember when you were learning to swim?

The instructor would walk along the side of the pool next to you like their presence there brought order to the madness of each child frantically getting their arms over again before their head falls below the water level.

Some managed it! They glided through the water to reach the other side. With or without grace and style, they were doing it and they were ready to make the grade at the deep end. Of course, there were those who didn’t even try. They preferred the safety and comfort of being able to stand up, head above water. No risk, no failure!

Those that held the admiration of the onlooking parents though were the ‘triers’ – of course. The input, significant, the progress, less so! They spent more time going down than forward. Some of these realised they could plant their feet on the bottom, steady themselves and try again. Naturally there were those who didn’t really realise this and got themselves in a bit of a mess.

There was always one however, one who would go unnoticed to most. He didn’t fall into any of the other groups. He would swim, but every other stroke would involve a push start from one of his feet holding himself up and driving him forward. An artform was made out of this style and would be able to hide his inability to his peers.

He would be sent up to the deep end to join the rest who were starting to become strong swimmers but of course he wasn’t a strong swimmer, he will be out of his depths but pride makes it very difficult to admit at this stage that isn’t ready.

That last child, is you…

So Far From Home

Waking up in a cold sweat – Is that alarm from the clock telling to get up or in my head, telling me to get out?!
My hands explore the bed I’ve been sleeping in – it feels unfamiliar! My eyes explore the room around – it doesn’t belong to me!
The discomfort of being here is outweighed only be not knowing where else to go. The tiled floor against the sole of my foot is cold and the next steps don’t make it any better.

The sting of uncertainty greets me in my ellaborate pursuit of my dreams co-existing with my distinct inability to use my own hands to grasp them.
How did I get here? And where exactly am I going? I’m so far from home. I long desperately for the comfort and familiarity of where I came from.

Maybe I could work my way back – tracing my place of departure step by step, decision by decision. As I do though, I notice something very bewildering to me – every step I made was one I was incapable of making and every decision was taken because of a deep longing, rather than a careful analysis of my circumstance. When I dream, I expect I wouldn’t do it too differently.

But this isn’t a dream and I am well and truely out of my depths. I kick and wave my arms frantically, gasping for short breaths for that’s all I afford myself, until I tire and I stop kicking and I stop swimming against the tide and I realise I wasn’t drowning anyway.

Many miracles have occurred on my journey – none more life-changing than the miracle of family. This miracle has helped me assess where home really is. There are people that I have a love for, so strong that it astonishes me and these are people who have only shared a small part of the journey with me. Home has followed me?!

That’s not to discount the family that aren’t with me currently (though in truth they will always be with me) but my love for them only grows.
I needn’t worry about distance, or time for they are still with me, as they are in God and is God is in them, just as He is in me and I in Him. And that is home!!

My journey isn’t one through time and places, not even experiences or adventures but rather an exploration of my maker’s and saviour’s heart. Home isn’t the place of departure but the destination to which we’re aiming for.
Life then is a journey home.

This day…

This day is for you!
To see more and know more than I did yesterday
With you all things are possible… not tomorrow, not sometime soon, but today.
For me to be what I was fashioned for, to live under the cross so I can stand on mountains.
To be raised up as a servant, for the glory is not mine but Yours.

To have one’s life written and entwined into history. Into a story so great, that every breath of a human tells of the majesty of the author.

Deepen my sense of reality, heighten my expectations of wonder and take me deep into your unfathomable understanding.

I’m bored of people telling me to be careful, to stop taking risks, and I’m bored of being sensible or careful. I want to be recklessly effective in His service, and work by kingdom dynamics.

Let your kingdom penetrate this place, start with me!

“For the joy of the Lord is your strength”

What is joy? An event? An emotion? Or something more?

What is ‘the joy of the Lord’? Is it His joy or ours? And in what?

How does it provide our strength? And what is the strength for?

One simple, profound truth yet it poses so many questions…

I’ve heard this verse quoted countless times and it’s true! But what is true about it? And perhaps more importantly, what does that truth look like in my life, how is it perceived?

There was a moment on Sunday evening in a very free-flowing church service when the joy of the Lord became my strength and consequence is that I’m still much stronger.                                    

I’m hesitant to include this for the confusion it may cause in people who don’t know what an experience of God can look like but this is part of my story and it is the truth of the verse bearing witness in my life.

During one particular song, I was repeating a one-line chorus when all of a sudden it hit me! God hit me! Isn’t it amazing when you just simply desire to experience something that is real – reality defined better put. In that moment, I knew once again – a powerful reminder that I believe in a really… really… big… God!! A God so big that even His name will take a lifetime and then some to understand… “I am” – try fitting that into a thesis, equation, theory or any other mind-sized box.

I just started laughing. Joy hit me it its purest, most raw form – in its essence! It wasn’t noticeable at first, the band were still playing and people were concentrating on their own song of love to their saviour, but the band quietened when someone started praying – and it wasn’t the sort of prayer you’d expect to find someone laughing through. But there I was, 20 minutes later, still trying to find a way to explain this joy I was experiencing through the medium of laughter.

So again I wonder, what is that verse meant to look like in the lives of you and I? I know it’s not just another line of an irrelevant book of rules that people have spent years trying to defend! In fact, it’s yet another testimony that the bible needs no defending at all, just to be unleashed to breathe its enery into our lives.

I will never be able to truely articulate an experience of God. You’re full of the very source of this life.

But something happened. I was put in my place by something so great and so terrifying (the good sort it’s worth adding) yet so loving and gentle. I was reminded that the God that designed and crafted my existance really does care. That this chaotic, messy and failing life I try so hard to cling on to really is better in God’s hands.

I had such peace, such calm, such joy… such strength. I like to think sometimes that I’m quite strong but that one experience of God has left me not only prepared to face anything but actually desiring to face everything that will come my way… good or bad!

I guess the conclusion will need to be discovered by each and every individual, but it is a promise that the joy of the Lord can become yours to strengthen you!

So what actually has been going on?

Welcome to my new blog, writing, declarating, uttering tool of articulation!!

Firstly, allow me to express sincere and deep remorse for failing to keep you, the audience (by that I mean friends, family and the ones too ashamed to admit to either) updated on recent activities carried out by myself (the host).

I’ll proceed with a greater sense of normality in my writing…

Regrets are formed from opportunities that weren’t acted on or risks never taken, for me, moving to Barcelona back in June was both of these. A mix of relief, joy, strength and encouragement is the result of making the right decision.

It’s fair to say, things didn’t turned out how I planned (though maybe that word is misleading as I can admit that not much planning was actually done – it was more of an impulse, acting to what I thought and now know was a divine heartbeat). The job that came with many glamorous promises ended last week after no huge amount of fruit due to the man responsible for bringing me here deciding his efforts were best placed in the UK and as a result decided to close the office in Barcelona after a number of years of good business. Although this does seem to paint him as the enemy slightly, he concerned himself with my well-being, allowed me to stay in his beautiful penthouse apartment and offered me a very good job back in the UK – this, sadly for all you folk that are still mourning my absence was politely declined due to not being ready to return.

I now have a good, reliable job managing accounts for two senior financial advisors who specialize in British expats! This came about by a contact/friend – surprise surprise! I am about to move in with 4 other people (2 English girls, 1 Italian guy and someone else), which sounds crowded though the apartment is very large and it has a terrace of colossal proportions.

“What now” – I hear cries with distinct tones of anxiety and interest fused together in pure excitement echoing around the proverbial theatre you find yourself in as your eyes wonder across these words…

Well, mainly to keep you guessing but partly to follow God’s will and my desires (the former reason of course is not valid and two latter reasons I believe are becoming closer and closer together as my heart is constantly renewed by the source of life), I have applied to Bible College in Oakland (which for those of you whose Californian geography is only marginally better than that of an actual Californian is facing San Francisco – I’m allowed to say this as I’ve left myself open to being told off by a Californian). Will I get in? I have no idea – there is the obvious obstacle of not having school education past the age of 16 to contend with as well as currently being a fair bit short of the money needed to pay for this education, but as I’m still learning, obstacles generally aren’t considered obstacles by God so I guess the outcome to my application will provide a good insight into God’s will on the matter. Please feel at ordained liberty to go without food until I find out in the name of spiritual intercession In seriousness though, prayer would be gratefully received.

My reasons for this sudden desire, initially to, I’m sure, many people’s amusement was a girl – a very special one at that but after much prayer, thought, fasting and time to reflect on the matter, this is something I want to do for myself. A hunger to study in great detail has finally settled within me and I feel confident that this act of sudden movement is not a sign of immaturity but rather as I said before, a desire to act on the impulse of a divine heartbeat (you can rename that what you will if that phrase doesn’t settle well with you).

Time will tell whether this is idea and plan is ordained by God or not but there is no harm in applying and if it comes down to another life-changing decision, then that bridge will be crossed when there is the need for me to do so.

So about this girl – she’s really just a figment of my imagination!!

Or that’s what my imagination sometimes has me believe. She was in Barcelona, she’s now back home in California – she liked me, I liked her, call it what you will but we decided we’d give it a go – Being at college with her may well help that situation.

I plan to come back to the UK for a long weekend between 17th and 21st and I would be delighted to see those of you that can be around.

Thanks for bearing with my ramble of thoughts and please pray for me that I continue to, above all else, serve the greatest thing worth serving and lay down my life for the higher call, that I might bear His light and like what we were all created to do, manifest the glory of God – for Christ in me, the hope of glory! If you don’t know who to pray to… aim words of “good luck” heavenwards and see where it goes.

Please feel free to comment this…

p.s. I can’t believe, 900 words later that I found it so hard to fill an A4 page back in English lessons.

“Aim at heaven and you will get earth thrown in. Aim at earth and you will get neither.”